"I Owe it to MYSELF"

This year I've seen a few relationships and marriages fall apart unexpectedly. Some of these people I know well and others my friends/family have grown to know. This is kind of how it goes:

Girl and Guy get married. They don't rush into getting married either. They date awhile and are engaged awhile too. They buy a house, they start a life and years go by. Holidays are celebrated, vacations taken, daily life happens over and over and over. Then suddenly either the guy or girl come home and say they are leaving. Sometimes they even go to therapy but in the end the person wants OUT of the marriage.

Most cases the person cheated and often times they say they are truly 'REALLY ACTUALLY IN LOVE THIS TIME.' As opposed to last time that is. But THIS TIME they say, it feels different somehow. Like magical, soul mates at their finest. And maybe they forget that this is the same way they felt when they met their current wife or husband, you know before life happened to them. But the jerk insists, no..no, this feeling is different. So all those months and years are thrown down the toilet. Just like that.

In most cases or not the other person actually wants to work it out, you know...because vows were taken, promises were made and for THEM this is not something that you can just walk away from. But either way, it doesn't matter because the person is gone in search of some idea of love and fantasy that will fade as quickly as the feelings sparked between them and the girl or guy they hooked up with.

But the line that really drives me insane, that I hear these marriage breakers say is this: "Honestly, I can't stay married. I have to pursue this other person. I owe it to myself. I owe myself this kind of happiness."

This is the thing. I've talked with my friends and family and boyfriend about this line that is the common thread in all these stories. And this is what we decided:

You owe yourself crap. I'm so tired of hearing about people who are trying to 'owe themselves happiness' Yes, we all have the right to PURSUE happiness and we should try to be happy. But when you are married, you owe you self LESS than you owe the other person. It is no longer about you. And when I get married it won't be just about me anymore. I think people are so in love with all these ideas and have no sense of responsibility towards the person they promise their life. Its almost like if they say they owe it to themselves, that if for some reason they deny this truth, than they cannot look themselves in the mirror each day. That by telling their wife or husband they 'owe it to themselves to pursue this and be happy' it somehow makes their actions okay. Or at least more okay. Its more justified this way and its not.

I know I'm not married and I'm certain when I do get married there will be many peeks and valleys. My parents have been married for over 35 years. And let me tell you there were a lot of valleys. I witnessed it all. But now 35 years later they are closer than they ever have been. At times I thought about how awful it must have been for them trying to stick it out through the bad times. But that's the thing they both really shared was their commitment and loyalty. Honestly it got them through. Now they are better because of it. I'm not saying all marriages can last or do last or even should last. But I know a few different people who now are divorced or going to be divorced and never wanted to be. And their ex is somewhere out there trying to chase this idea of love and happiness-even if it costs them everything. Even if it means they leave their kids behind. A couple of them will come back and want their life back to how it was, but they can't have their old life back again and their marriage is over.

So it may be harsh and maybe I'm uncomplicating the messiness of love, but I don't think we owe ourselves nearly as much as we owe others. Especially if we are married. If we start thinking we owe ourselves less, maybe we'll actually become happier.

9 yr. olds ready for college.

The school where I teach has a motto. It goes something like this: College for SURE! We talk to the scholars every day about making college part of their futures. The thing is I work at a Elementary School on the West Side of Chicago. It a pretty high needs area with lots of challenges. I am aware that not all these kids will make it to college. Its something I push in the back corners of my mind, because although it may be true, that some will fall away in the midst of gangs, drugs, jail, school drop out rates, and side effects of poverty...I have to believe that its worth talking about. Its worth thinking that all these kids will have a bright future ahead of them.

In my class right now we are working on a project. It occurred to me that college is this lofty unimaginable idea to the children. I teach nine and ten year olds and college is this make believe place people talk about-like the north pole. And they would love to visit it, but its so intangible to a nine year old kid who may not have a single person in his or her family that graduated from college.

So I thought, hey lets make this make.believe.land more real. The kids have to pick a college and have to research everything they need to know about that college. Then they will present what they find. My kids picked all kinds of colleges..some that specialize in what they want to become, state universities, BIG TEN football schools, Ivy League. The list goes on. It was pretty hilarious watching them try to look up the GPA they need to get in, how much tuition and room/board costs, the majors, dorms, and meal plans they could pick from. OH the choices! The girls were printing out pictures of the dorm they thought looked 'prettiest' and insisted they wanted to be in a QUAD ROOM...oh little do they know what four girls in a cubicle sized room can do to four eighteen year olds...

My one scholar decided she will go to Yale. She map quested how many miles away it would be from her home. She came into class with the mileage circled at the bottom of the page and a map tracing out the endless states she would have to cross to get there. Of course, she says, Me and my family will fly...:)

She spent her free reading time that day reading up on everything she needed to know about the school. She sat their highlighting the facts and stats. There she was wide eyed and I could just see her world unfolding before her.

That afternoon we wrote to my friend who is a Yale alumni. She sat right next to me blinking hard and staring at my computer screen as I typed out an email to him.
She had a list of questions for him about Yale. My little nine year old scholar insisted I put her email address in the email-so he could email her information directly. I laughed, and we sent the email.

I know she will probably check that email every day until he emails her back. And when he does, her mind will overflow with possibility and curiosity.

One day she will be eighteen. 101 months from now she will be graduating high school. I'm sure it will feel like light years since the day we sat side by side in her fourth grade year-emailing my friend and googling about going to Yale.

101 months from now a 101 million of life's moments will have happened to this little girl. And I just hope she will remember herself at this very moment at nine years old. Bright eyed, eager, determined to reach her goals.

And if she does, wow I can only imagine her endless possibilities.