"I Owe it to MYSELF"

This year I've seen a few relationships and marriages fall apart unexpectedly. Some of these people I know well and others my friends/family have grown to know. This is kind of how it goes:

Girl and Guy get married. They don't rush into getting married either. They date awhile and are engaged awhile too. They buy a house, they start a life and years go by. Holidays are celebrated, vacations taken, daily life happens over and over and over. Then suddenly either the guy or girl come home and say they are leaving. Sometimes they even go to therapy but in the end the person wants OUT of the marriage.

Most cases the person cheated and often times they say they are truly 'REALLY ACTUALLY IN LOVE THIS TIME.' As opposed to last time that is. But THIS TIME they say, it feels different somehow. Like magical, soul mates at their finest. And maybe they forget that this is the same way they felt when they met their current wife or husband, you know before life happened to them. But the jerk insists, no..no, this feeling is different. So all those months and years are thrown down the toilet. Just like that.

In most cases or not the other person actually wants to work it out, you know...because vows were taken, promises were made and for THEM this is not something that you can just walk away from. But either way, it doesn't matter because the person is gone in search of some idea of love and fantasy that will fade as quickly as the feelings sparked between them and the girl or guy they hooked up with.

But the line that really drives me insane, that I hear these marriage breakers say is this: "Honestly, I can't stay married. I have to pursue this other person. I owe it to myself. I owe myself this kind of happiness."

This is the thing. I've talked with my friends and family and boyfriend about this line that is the common thread in all these stories. And this is what we decided:

You owe yourself crap. I'm so tired of hearing about people who are trying to 'owe themselves happiness' Yes, we all have the right to PURSUE happiness and we should try to be happy. But when you are married, you owe you self LESS than you owe the other person. It is no longer about you. And when I get married it won't be just about me anymore. I think people are so in love with all these ideas and have no sense of responsibility towards the person they promise their life. Its almost like if they say they owe it to themselves, that if for some reason they deny this truth, than they cannot look themselves in the mirror each day. That by telling their wife or husband they 'owe it to themselves to pursue this and be happy' it somehow makes their actions okay. Or at least more okay. Its more justified this way and its not.

I know I'm not married and I'm certain when I do get married there will be many peeks and valleys. My parents have been married for over 35 years. And let me tell you there were a lot of valleys. I witnessed it all. But now 35 years later they are closer than they ever have been. At times I thought about how awful it must have been for them trying to stick it out through the bad times. But that's the thing they both really shared was their commitment and loyalty. Honestly it got them through. Now they are better because of it. I'm not saying all marriages can last or do last or even should last. But I know a few different people who now are divorced or going to be divorced and never wanted to be. And their ex is somewhere out there trying to chase this idea of love and happiness-even if it costs them everything. Even if it means they leave their kids behind. A couple of them will come back and want their life back to how it was, but they can't have their old life back again and their marriage is over.

So it may be harsh and maybe I'm uncomplicating the messiness of love, but I don't think we owe ourselves nearly as much as we owe others. Especially if we are married. If we start thinking we owe ourselves less, maybe we'll actually become happier.