to the jerk who stole my mum

Dear Asshole who stole my mum,

I live on a busy street in Bucktown and decided last weekend I would be a little 'domestic' and put a purple, darling mum on me and my roommates' front porch. I was at a little pumpkin patch last weekend with my nieces and nephews. They were running through corn mazes and poking their hands through the fences of the animal farm. I was hung over, 26 can't shake it like my college years, and I trailed behind the kids laughter and shrieks.

Suddenly before my eyes I saw it. Rows and rows of mums. All in dazzling colors-yellow, pink, orange, white, and purple. I couldn't help but wonder, should I buy a mum? Should I become one of those people who buys holiday or season decor and feels unusually satisfied by its presence in my home. I barely kept up with household chores such as taking the trash out or folding my laundry. Now in my new apartment, I decided, I would become one of those warm and fuzzy people who hang stupid wreaths out on the door, throw up the Christmas lights, and even buy Halloween candy, although I know not a soul will probably come by.

Then I saw it-my purple delightful mum. I picked it up and examined it from all sides. My family gave me the thumbs up and I took it home. I set it up ten steps from the sidewalk right by the door and stepped back and felt proud of myself. In a way, I felt, I was enhancing Armitage Avenue.

Then one week later, a jerk stole my mum.

I found out today. I opened the door this morning to water my mum. I look down and its F-ING gone. Some dude walked by my two flat and thought, 'look at that charming mum, lets steal it.' Then they walked up my ten steps, right by my family room window mind you! and hoisted the plant. Then looking quickly to either direction, ran down the steps and around the corner. I would like to know who took my mum and I hope I catch you. You Chicago punks. Here I am trying to add a little spice and warmth to this city. I mean the economy sucks and a little plant may brighten up the city street. And you, stealer, decided it was ok to just come up on my porch and take my plant. Christmas is right around the corner, and no, I am not beaten down by you. I will put out Christmas decor, and yes I will wait for you.